Who I am remains un-wavered, I was always be unapologetically ME. It's the aspects of my personality that define how I act and treat others that have changed so drastically throughout the last 6 years.
I would like to think of my journey of self discovery beginning sometime in 2005 when I met my current group of friends. The first person to officially befriend me was a handsome young lad by the name of Sovantha Bun. I was automatically drawn to Bunz for two main reasons: he was obviously gay, and didn't care what people thought of him. Bunz and I remained "rave" friends, and he introduced me to other people he had met in the scene. Through him I met Maria, and we started to form our party crew, along with Pino and David. The first person to really try and make their way into my heart and crack my shell was Luna. I met Luna at a dank, dimly lit funky basement rave, where even amongst the smoke machines and way too loud music that prohibited real conversations, I could tell he had a huge heart. Luna saw something in me, and didn't give up on that notion. Upon initially meeting Luna, I told him quite frankly that I already had enough friends and wasn't in the market. This couldn't have been farther from the truth.
Looking back it's easy for me to see I was a scared, lonely, highly guarded child. I'm sure the main reason I tried so hard to resist real friendship is because I was just coming off "losing" all my Miami friends (if for no other reason than geography alone).
Once Luna was able to penetrate my shell, things began to change in a big way. We all rolled together throughout life like a tumbleweed, collecting new and meaningful friends along the way. I was happy. I had amazing friends that showed me what the word really meant. I had people that would take care of me no matter what, but I found myself only being happy when we were together. Then one day someone uttered two words that I now recognize changed my life: Burning Man.
The family went to Burning Man for years without me before I was ready. It wasn't until 2009 when I had gained enough introspective knowledge to know that being contingent on these people for happiness was not OK. I started mentally preparing myself for the journey that was ahead of me. I knew little about Burning Man or what to expect. I knew little about how to change myself, all I knew was something had to give. I couldn't go on having a chip on my shoulder with everyone I encountered with the exception of the select few I had let into my heart. So I set my ideas in motion and "prepared" myself for Burning Man 2010.
It wasn't until I arrived on the playa that I realized all the mental energy I had put into trying to ready myself for this was in vain. There really is no way to know what your'e getting into, you have to put yourself out there and be open to whatever the desert throws at you. For the first few days of Burning Man, as told by my close friend Ally years later "You really didn't get it, it was frustrating. I was frustrated that you weren't grasping the main concepts." The first few days I stuck by the side of whoever would have my company, mainly Vinette. It wasn't until the end of day 3 when Vinette firmly broke the news to me that I needed some alone time and would benefit from venturing off on the playa alone. If it wasn't for that tough love, who knows where I would be.
I discovered so much about myself the next 4 days. I spent a lot of time wandering in the desert, meeting strangers, experiencing kindness without any expectations. I learned what it meant to be happy alone. This marked the birthplace of my spiritual evolution, only it would take me quite sometime to realize this.
Upon my return from the man, Orange asked me "so, did BM change your life?" I replied quite simply, "No." and didn't give it much more conscious thought. It was my subconscious mind, fresh with seeds planted from the kindness and selflessness of others, that really set the revolution in motion. Weeks later Orange questioned me again. "Well, I know you said it didn't change you, but I see something. Your'e different, your demeanor, the way you treat strangers, your vibe. So now, do you think it changed you?" Orange was demanding I continue with my introspective growth wether he knew it or not. So we pressed on.
This brings us to the Winter of 2010. Orange and I hit it hard. Before that year, we had really been casual friends. We started spending a lot of time together. I was (and still am) so attracted to his positive energy. Being around Orange and seeing the way he made people happy inspired me to do the same. I slowly started being kinder, gentler, giving people the benefit of the doubt. One of my favorite challenges at work was to see how many of my employees I could "win" over and be their favorite supervisor. Not because we were friends or I was lax, but because I prided myself in being a confidant. All I could do was put out positive energy, and hope that they picked up on that and would come to me if they needed anything.
The following year at Burning Man I camped alone with my brother. I saw a lot of my first year qualities in him. It took him a few days and some guidance, but he too came around to the route of self exploration. Helping someone else help themselves is a huge step in the evolution of ones consciousness and I wouldn't have been able to continue without it. Now, I'm not taking credit for any of Robbie's awesomeness. All I did was lead him to the doorway, I didn't force him through it. He went through on his own, drew his own conclusions, and came out the other side a better person.
After Burning Man that year things really started to open up for me. I was happy alone, for the first time in my life, although I never felt alone with a support structure as amazing as mine. I was now completely open to the POWER of positive energy, of giving, of loving selflessly and without possession, without expectation. It was these experiences, coupled with some psychology studies, that brought me around to the ideas of manifestation and my current ideals on the universe.
I have manifested so many amazing experiences in my recent life, all (or mostly) because of my positive energy I put out. The simplest way to explain it is I put positive energy out, you pick it up, you put it out, someone else picks it up and so on so forth. Its a type of "pay it forward" mentality, but more evolved as to remove the idea that you are obligated to do something because someone did for you. The biggest thing about this BIG IDEA that you should realize is that by treating people well, by being a good person, the person you are helping the most is YOURSELF. Your'e putting the good vibes out there for others, but them picking them up is going to make you feel incredible for you. It's one big amazing, heartfelt, full of love circle. When we learn to rid ourselves of bitterness, resentment, anger, cynicism, judgement and hate, what are we left with? LOVE. and in the end, all you need is love.
